Looking for true love

A re you my dream woman? My dream woman is well-educated, has long hair, not only knows how to cook but frequently entertains, can drive stick shift, owns her own tree pruning cherry picker, is not afraid of snakes or spiders, just says no to prescription glasses, can start a fire without matches, wrote a novel in high school and won an award for it, is able to live out of the narrow backseat of a pickup, organizes files for the U. N., has memorized two poems by Robert Frost, buys and sells condos in Belize, likes to cuddle even on a tandem bicycle, remembers to lower the seat, can play the theme music of "Fractured Fairy Tales" on the piano, uses only environmentally friendly solvents when hosing down garbage men, spreads wildflower seeds while singing songs from Broadway, knows the difference between chelated calcium/magnesium and Belgian chocolate, creates her own wine labels and sneaks them onto friends' bottles when we're visiting their homes, uses programmable crochet needles to write social networking software while simultaneous creating fashionable rayon swimwear, likes me, makes oboes for charity, attends book clubs, studies the feeding ranges of whelks, can separate out egg whites with ease, can show me the best shoe stores at the mall, and can explain Oprah. She is able to find (and retrieve, as needed) things I've lost (e. g. car parts under the middle of the car, parts of her sewing machine I've dropped under the bed, parts of her food processor that I left in the car, her entire Precious Moments collection that just magically disappeared when I was there), and she is graceful even when standing on the top rung of the ladder while hanging Christmas lights or raking lemons off the back awning.

I'll gladly give you the local tour: there's the Methuselah Tree on Skyline Blvd; there's the Sections of the Berlin Wall "hidden" in the corner of a small business parking lot in Mountain View (both easy to find on internet); there's the Elizabeth Gamble Gardens, the Yoda statue in San Francisco; there's the stench of Alviso and of Shoreline Park, worth positioning ourselves downwind. Maybe we'll hang out by the railroad tracks, downtown, at night, and collect returnable bottles.

I tend to write math equations on walls, using broad felt pens. I invite friends over in the middle of the night to review these equations, finish off whatever beer is left, and add color wherever they find Greek letters. I like to attract the neighborhood cats into the garage by dribbling the oil from a can of herring in lines radiating from the garage door to a block or two away. If my fingernails had been shorter, I could have typed all of this; thankfully, though, someone typed this up from my dictation so that I continue to be free to pursue my dream of breaking the Guiness record for long fingernails. I wish it weren't so, but I tend to react negatively to Doppler radar. I am a licensed mountain lion breeder but thankfully have no experience. I am humble.

If you're the woman for me or I am the man for you, well, that's the way it goes.

Posted as my description on an online dating site, Apr 1