I was thinking about helium

Helium is the second element in the periodic chart of chemical elements. Sixth is carbon, and eighth is oxygen. Helium has an atomic weight of around 4, carbon's weight is around 12 and oxygen's weight is around 16. So oxygen weighs about 4 times as much as helium.

You can put a bunch of pencil lead in a bag and toss the bag on a scale and weigh it. How did they figure out that helium weighs "4"? Picture a scientist filling a bag with helium and putting it on a scale and watching the bag go to the ceiling, and then repeating this. (A senior scientist then ties the bag to the junior scientist's wrist with a string.)

There is probably some place that helium exists naturally, like in some part of the rain forest. It seeps out of certain logs or large bugs. And there are certainly natives in that area. Wouldn't those natives have a great time, I thought. They'd never have a serious conversation. Tony the Elder would try to bring up some serious matter with Frank, like how he's being kept awake by Frank's kids beating on logs late into the night, but then they'd both burst into laughter because Tony the Elder sounds like a chipmunk and they'd be wiping their laughter tears from their eyes with the backs of their hands and then go back to blow-darting tree snakes. But then I realized that that's what they grew up with, and what you grow up with is often what feels normal. They would have always sounded like chipmunks and it would not have occurred to them that they might sound different from other humans. So, they wouldn't laugh because of the helium.

What would be interesting is taking these natives out of their part of the forest, say, to meet another tribe. (The first challenge would be for the host who arranges the trip. As desperately as the host wants to talk the natives into the idea of traveling for this social experiment, he can't get a complete sentence out because he's laughing at himself sounding like a chipmunk.) There would be some point in the travels at which the natives would first hear each other talk with low voices. "Tony the Elder, you sound like a rotted log!" they'd laugh. (They wouldn't say he sounded like a tiger or other big animal because in their part of the rain forest those animals would also sound like chipmunks [and, come to think of it, I don't know what chipmunks would sound like there]). And they'd laugh again when they heard the neighboring natives speak in low voices. The neighbors would be totally serious, but the helium natives would just not be able to keep a straight face. Trying to suppress your laugher in a serious setting, when you know your buddy Frank has the same silly thought--that just leads to outbursts and snorts that can't be contained. And when they got back home and tried to imitate low voices to their families, they just couldn't describe it well enough, so it wouldn't be that funny.

That's what I was thinking about helium.

St. Patrick's Day

In 4th grade, Mom persuaded me to go to school with green food coloring in my really blonde hair. I had a good case of stage fright, but I suspected it would end up being fun, and it was fun.

I repeated that again in 10th grade and perhaps once during college.

9:45 Today, I'm doing it again, but my hair is a lot darker now, so the green isn't as obvious. So I smeared it all over my face. Time to go in to work now.

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If you're from some nearly-all-caucasian city, you live a completely different life. I'm pretty much a minority in this tech center of California where most of the workers in my area are Indian or Chinese. So, going to work means crossing paths with many people who are not likely to automatically think "Oh yeah, an Irish tradition" when they see me with a green face. I was not wanting to walk around much at work.

10:45 I slipped into my work cubicle with no one seeing my decoration, though I greeted those nearby and received greetings back.

10:55 The coworker on my right rolled back in his chair to see around the cubicle divider and ask me a question. A great large-eyed double-take was followed by a burst of laughter and "John, don't scare me like that!" He looked at his watch, "It's not April Fools yet. Why did you do that?" A reminder of St. Pat's was sufficient. He recalled a Seinfeld episode in which Kramer made himself look sickly green as part of a test for doctors.

11:45 I called to my coworker, "I wonder if I need to wear a big shamrock or something." The coworker on my left called out, with a glance that wasn't intended to meet eyes, "John, you ARE a shamrock!" (I have no idea what that meant) and turned back to her work. She glanced around again and saw my face and burst into laughter, with face flushing. My face flushed, too, and I asked what color that resulted in.

12:15 A workmate of Chinese descent swung by with a technical question. Her look suggested a bit of fright or concern. I quickly mentioned the "day with green" and she was okay. "Will it wash out?" and later "You're fun."

1:45 I overheard a coworker telling her boss how her child had expressed "a requirement to wear green to school" and the fallout from that. I stood up to show my face over the cube walls to her boss who glanced up and recoiled with a "Whoooaaa!" (and that was the end of that).

2:00 An Indian walked past our cubes with his department mates and caught me staring back at him with a little smile. He stopped in his tracks and, in all seriousness, said, "What happened?" I just stared and waited for his caucasian workmates to assess the situation and fill him in with some head shaking. I followed with, "It's a March 17th tradition."

4:00 As I left a breakroom, an Indian gal looked at me and I'd have to describe her eyes as holding a bit of shock. A few steps later, I happened to catch a glance of her starting to talk to a workmate with a smiling expression that looked like the kind of try-to-hide-it expression some people have when gossiping that meant to me, "Oh my gosh, I just passed a guy with a green face..."

I had brought the food coloring to work because I suspected my face might need some touch up at some point. As the day went by, I made two or three trips to the washroom to touch up...and to increase the green.

4:30 I crossed paths with a workmate who had seen me just a little bit earlier. She exclaimed, "You're more green!"

5:30 One of my three workmates who had chosen to work from home today (drat! I wanted them to see this!) instant-messaged, "Is it true?... It's not easy being green" (a reference to a song sung by Kermit). Ha! Earlier, I'd considered singing that line (with my best Kermit impression) to get my manager's attention. When my manager later swung by my cubicle, I recounted this story her and did sing the line...

Mom called. She was cooking corned beef and wanted me to pick up a head of cabbage. Great...that meant I had to walk through a grocery store. That's one of the faster trips I've made through a grocery store. When I arrived at Mom's, she was wearing a green tangerine grocery net on her head like a hairnet, waiting for me to see and laugh.

8:30 My index finger is still green from applying food coloring during the day. Probably a good thing I have a weekend to deal with any problems...

Boy, was that meal delicious.